The plan was to join Weight Watchers last week. It didn’t happen. As usual the problem was time. It seems I never have time for the things that are good for me.
Everyone tells me and I know intellectually that I need to take care of myself, because if I took care of myself I’d have more energy and patience to deal with the rest of my life. But really how many working moms have time? Or if you do tell me what you choose to omit so that you can have time for yourself. I’d really like to know.
Last time I left off talking about how my eating habits started off wrong. I also talked about the beginning of my depression. Now let me continue the story.
High School was a horrible experience for me. The constant stress to do well to get into college, the social things I wasn’t allowed to participate in and the overall experience was the worst time of my young adult life. I was growing and learning and yearning for freedom. But my parents were very conservative so I didn’t go to any dances or football games, I couldn’t join extra-curricular activities that had overnight components, basically I was feeling the pressures of school and the inability to join in the fun that everyone else was enjoying. It didn’t make for an overall happy time. I was totally depressed during my High School years. But through all that time I did not take medication. I just found my own way of coping. Usually it meant doing a lot of reading.
After High School life took a twist and I must say my college years were the happiest years of my life. I worked hard and played hard. I finally had the freedom to be who I wanted to be. Unfortunately that only lasted the 3 1/2 years. I often equate those years of my life as my skinniest as well. I was happy and I wasn’t fat. Even today I want to find that happy place again so I can go back to being good to my body. I always tell people that I was skinniest when I was happy. But today I don’t really have that much to be unhappy about, yet the weight is the constant problem. I am still eating and I know it is emotional/psychological.
Yesterday I read a New York times article talking specifically about emotional eating. I had always thought of the emotional eating as a way of covering up feelings. But it goes much deeper. The author talked about how often emotional eating is also a way to prove to yourself that you cannot succeed. I found this to be a very interesting concept. She discussed how overeating was a way of punishing oneself as well as covering up emotions. As I read the article I realized that I’m looking at my eating issues the wrong way. I do think I eat to sabotage myself and my ability to succeed. It’s a way I can make myself feel bad and it’s a vicious cycle. I have found that I eat when I’m bored, tired or really stressed. I’m going to think on this more. Because I have always felt that I get jinxed when I start on a plan, have success and people start making comments. But am I jinxed or am I trying to say I don’t deserve this? It’s as if my mind wants an excuse to eat because I can’t handle the success. It’s an intriguing idea. I think it’s worth exploring.
The next part of my story is how the weight came on. And it will be a bit harder to write because it is very private and emotional. But I started this blog asking people to get to the core of life and asked you to follow me. So I will begin by getting to the core of my own issues. Keep reading!